“Real loss only occurs when you lose something that you love more than yourself” Anonymous

R.I.P Timothy Mitchell

Heath Matyjewicz

It’s as if I’m numb to the world in most instances, but it’s all I know! Lately it’s been running through my head of why? It’s as if I have to instruct myself to feel! Then I endure weeks of beating myself up for having imitate emotions that should come naturally! It’s sooo frustrating!!!! In the end I end up sad and run down but not for the initial reasoning but for the later!

Last night I found out that my nephew was killed in a drive by in Philly. Initially I had no feeling what so ever… I felt horrible! I should be sad just because someone died! My oldest Sister’s youngest son is DEAD!!! How could I feel nothing? Even with our distant relationship I still feel like I should have some sort of emotion about this event! I love my sister and I love my nephew, the emotion is there…it’s idle but it’s there! It’s sitting in my chest, refusing to move…I want to feel something…in my mind I feel sad! My father’s oldest child lost her baby! I met him once, I stayed in Philly at my sister’s for a summer…it was our initial meeting!

(sidebar: My sister has a different mother, lives in Philly and had gotten pregnant at 16 at the same time my mother was pregnant with me, married at 18 or 21 and had three sons, they youngest one passed away. )

I spent every day with my three nephews that in my sixteen years had only heard of, I was in there world yet I remained in mine. I can’t tell you all about his life but I can remember how he was during that summer although the memories are rather vague. I’m saddened in a way that can’t be described or explained! I’m sitting here with my sisters number in my phone yet I haven’t called her yet! I’m afraid, I’m afraid that my emotional numbness will travel through the phone as insincerity. I’m afraid that the inflection of my voice may come across as unconcerned. I am extremely frustrated!!! I’m torn! It’s times like this when I feel extremely helpless and abnormal.

I’m reaching out to my sister in her time of need, I hope I’m successful in my endeavor of trying to be a support system. I am sincere in my efforts and desire to help her through this…I hope she feels it.